Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
