When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
