Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
