she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
The uberlube is also flammable
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
