the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize