My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
