barbara walters just said penis...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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