I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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