i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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