it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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