just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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