I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
My liver just had a heart attack.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
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