4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The maid of honor just puked.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
