Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
