I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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