I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
is that a dick in a sweater?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize