Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
