i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
