I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We just shotgunned beers for America
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
