I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
