I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
