i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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