If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
