I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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