Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
