I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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