Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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