my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Randomize
