Already got asked if we're dating
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize