I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize