so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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