We won't sleep together?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Randomize