Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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