Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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