you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
