Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
