sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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