I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
