You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
