just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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