I got chris browned last night
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
