When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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