You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
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