Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Randomize
