I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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