4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
