Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
