i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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