woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
