I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
