so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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