I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
you traded sex for a burrito?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
