So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
