meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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