Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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