I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
