how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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