i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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